{Lessons Learned} Do You Need Jesus to Forgive?

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

I had a feeling something was still there. Some residual scarring caused by my dad’s murder. In a way, I wanted to go there. Get it all out. Heal completely. But at the same time, I feared what would be found.

I sure hope I’m not really screwed up, I thought.

But I knew some soul work needed to be done. Digging would have to take place. And the root of whatever was left behind would have to be excavated and restored.

I tried to do this on my own for nine years after Dad died. I tried to “pick myself up by my bootstraps” and move on, reasoning that Dad would have wanted it this way. He wouldn’t want me to succumb to the wave of despair that threatened to swallow me whole.

So, I moved on. Each time the thought of Anthony came into my mind, I chose with precise deliberation to cast these thoughts aside.

I forgive him, I’d tell myself, knowing full well that I didn’t. I thought if I did this long enough, it would become my reality. It was the only way I knew how to move toward forgiveness, and I hoped this would allow me to shed the effects of my past.

Even the secular world tells us to forgive. “You must forgive and forget,” we’re told.

And, so we do. Or we think we do.

We will ourselves into believing that we’ve arrived at the desired destination. That we’ve forgiven.

I forgive Anthony, I told myself. I do.

Then, I became a Christian after completely falling apart. And I mean completely falling apart. I’ve written about this time before, but for our purpose here, I must tell you that I don’t think I would have gotten to this point of complete desperation and complete lack of hope had it not been for my unforgiving heart (The one I thought was forgiving, mind you).

So, there I was, a baby Christian, one year after surrendering my life to Christ when the call to forgive came. Quite frankly, I was surprised.

But I’ve already forgiven Anthony, came my rebuttal to God.

Soon, I learned that forgiveness––real forgiveness, that is––can only be accomplished through Jesus, the one who died to make forgiveness possible.

It’s the same with all things.

We cannot love, in the full sense of the term, without first receiving God’s love.

We cannot extend true mercy or grace without first receiving God’s mercy and grace.

So to, we cannot forgive, completely and unconditionally, without first receiving God’s forgiveness. [Tweet that]

It is Jesus who made forgiveness possible, and it is He who guides us onto our own path toward forgiveness. [Tweet that]

I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t think I can emphasize it enough. Forgiveness is a process. It is not something that occurs instantly. And it requires a decision to pray for Jesus to guide you toward that end.

So, I encourage each of you to take another look at your life. Take another look at you relationships. And prayerfully assess whether or not you hold unforgiveness in your heart. And if you do, I implore you to seek God and forgive.

Forgiveness will set you free. [Tweet that]

Remember, forgiveness begins with prayer. [Tweet that] Pray for God to lead you toward freedom today.

{Forgiveness is only possible through Jesus.}

Question: Has God been showing you unforgiveness in your heart? Who do you need to forgive? How have you tried to forgive apart from God? Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

{Repentance} Wanna Be Empowered Today?

Posted on April 8, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

I’ve been talking a lot about repentance, and I know it can become a weighty topic, to say the least. But I feel like God has empowered me in this area recently, and I just have to pass this along.

I’ve been feeling convicted lately about several sins in my life. And maybe it’s just me, but do you ever feel like you need to repent but you need to wait for the empowerment of God to do so? [Tweet that]

Well, this is where I found myself last week.

During my quiet time with God, I decided to begin reading Romans. I opened it up, read the first paragraph, and that was just about enough for the day. I needed to digest what I read, so I read it again. And again.

Toward the end of that paragraph, Paul says, “through [Jesus] we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name…” (Romans 1:5).

We received grace to bring about the obedience of faith. We received grace. Past tense. It’s a done deal.

I love what the ESV Study Bible footnote says. It says, “Obedience is required, but it is an obedience that flows from saving faith and is always connected to ongoing faith” (emphasis mine).

We Are Empowered

Here’s the thing: The moment we are saved. The moment we bow our knee to Jesus, accepting Him to be Lord of our lives and Savior of our souls, we were given the gift of the Holy Spirit (see Acts 1:8).

The Spirit is power. He is all the power we need to live out this Christian life. [Tweet that]

Acts 1:8 says, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you…”

Romans 8:11 tells us that “If the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.”

We have been given life. We have been set free from sin and death through Jesus. And we are now free to live a life of power through the Holy Spirit.

So, why do we, at times, feel so impotent to live out godly lives? What takes the wind out of our sails? [Tweet that]

Deception.

Truth tells us we have the power of the Holy Spirit to live out our faith.

Satan tells us we have no power within us or we need to wait for empowerment.

There are times we need to wait on the Lord for sure, but we never need to wait to repent. We never need to wait to feel empowered to do that which we are called to do. But instead, remember that we are empowered to follow Jesus.

So, here’s the bottom line: You don’t need to wait for the ability to live out your Christian life, you already have the power within. Now live like you believe it.

{The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you. Believe and live in light of this truth.}

Question: Do you ever feel like you need to wait for the empowerment of the Holy Spirit? Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

How Jesus is the Fulfillment of God’s Love

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16

No doubt about it. We are loved.

Truly loved, despite all our shortcomings.

The Feinberg Challenge

Over the last 40 days of Lent, leading up to Easter, I joined Margaret Feinberg (along with thousands of other Christ followers), in her 40-Day Bible Reading Challenge. Together we read through the Bible. Yep. The whole thing.

Honestly, it was crazy, but it was amazing at the same time! Beginning in Genesis and ending with Revelation, we read an average of 30 chapters a day (though I’m a day behind, so I’ll be finishing up today).

When first presented with all this craziness, I was intrigued, but I didn’t think I could do it. After all, I have children who need their mommy and a husband who needs his wife, but God made it happen. Day in and day out, I was given the time needed to soak in the truth of God’s word.

And when God’s truth continually washes over you, something begins to sirs within your soul. [Tweet that] God works. He teaches. He shows you things you’ve been missing all along or have forgotten amidst the busyness of life.

Throughout this time, there were days I was moved to tears as I read (well, ok, I actually cried most days). The more I read, the more the love and faithfulness of our mighty God was impressed upon my heart.

I just love how Sally Lloyd-Jones describes the love of God in The Jesus Storybook Bible for kids. She says God loves us “with a Never Stopping, Never Giving up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.” Isn’t that an amazing description?

And it was this love that become so real to me during my reading.

God’s Story

The whole of the Bible tells the story of God. It tells of a people––made to love and be loved by God––who rebelled against their loving Father, bringing sin into the world. From this moment on, God sought to bring His people back to Himself once again, saying I will be your God and you shall be my people.

Truly, the Bible shows love affair between God and His people in which He faithfully pursues the hearts of man. [Tweet that]

Still, God’s people rebelled. They rebelled over and over and over again. Yet, God never forsook them though He had every right to do so. But instead, God chose to love them, despite rebellion and sin.

The Climax

God’s plan ultimately culminated with Jesus.

Jesus was God’s love displayed in flesh. He was the way. The way back to God. As said before, God could have left us in our sinful state of hopelessness. But instead, He provided a way back to Himself. Through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.

For 33 years, Love walked the Earth.

Love healed wounds.

Love set free the captives.

Love showed us the way as He called and said, “Follow Me.”

And Love was nailed to a cross on Calvary.

But ultimately, Love rose again, bringing us new life.

This is what Easter is all about. The love of God, who is faithful to provide new beginnings. [Tweet that] It’s like we get a mulligan. A do-over. What was behind has passed. And all that is required of us is to receive the free gift of salvation. To receive Christ. [Tweet that]

Jesus holds out His hand, offering us mercy, grace, salvation, love, hope, peace, and so much more.

Reach out and take hold of the promises of God. Receive His Love.

Happy Easter!

{Jesus is the fulfillment of God’s love. Receive Him.}

Question: How have you been blessed by the Word of God? How has the story of God impacted your life? Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

{Lessons Learned} Jesus Accomplishes the Impossible

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

But he said, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” – Luke 18:27

When we follow Jesus, He accomplishes the impossible. [Tweet that]

Lord, I pray for Anthony. Help him. Have your will be done in his life, and please, Lord, if he is truly a Christian let him be used by you in prison to turn lives around for your glory. Let him gather your people to you in prison! Lord, help him truly submit to you and your will and help him to be a true strong believer who turns from evil to your light.

- My prayer journal, May 2010

I prayed this prayer often as I began correspondence with Anthony, the man who murdered my dad. I prayed for Anthony to come to true repentance. For him to be brought to his knees and to transform him into a strong man of God who gained influence within his prison walls for Christ.

I knew Jesus could do it, but I have to be honest, I didn’t anticipate the power these prayers would have on both my destiny and that of Anthony’s. (If you have yet to read about what God did through our correspondence, read here or here, among many other posts.)

Jesus does the impossible in our lives.

You may find yourself to be surrounded by one of life’s storms right now.

Maybe you are late on your mortgage, and you don’t know where you’ll come up with your next payment.

Maybe you were laid off, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t find another job.

Maybe your marriage is in shambles, on the verge of divorce, and you don’t know how to get back to that place you once were.

Maybe you’re struggling with addiction or another stronghold, and you can’t seem to escape from the shackles that weigh so heavy upon your soul.

Maybe you’ve experienced loss––a loss that threatens to crush your soul––and you cannot imagine ever feeling whole again.

Maybe you have lost hope and find yourself to be in the dark place of depression, and you don’t know how to climb out of the pit, back to where the sun will shine upon your soul once again.

Maybe you’ve received a bad report from your doctor, and you are in a place of utter despair, anxious about the uncertainty of your future.

Whatever your situation may be, know this:

Jesus is your answer. He’s calling to you, beckoning your soul to draw near. He tells us, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). As Luke 18:26 states, all things are possible with God. So no matter how bleek your situation my seem, know that we serve the God of impossibilities.

(For those of you who find yourselves to be in a relatively calm season of life, be sure to store this truth. The storms of life are sure to come. Ready yourself with truth.)

{Jesus accomplishes the impossible.}

Have you experienced Jesus accomplish the impossible in your life?

Join the discussion! Leave a comment.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

Lessons Learned Through Forgiving My Dad’s Murderer

Posted on January 10, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

God reveals His truths everywhere.

Colossians 1:23 tells us the Gospel is “proclaimed in all creation under heaven,” and what is the Gospel, but truth.

The Gospel tells us about God. It tells us about our fallen nature. It tells us we serve a merciful and gracious God, who had every reason to simply write off humanity, but instead, choose to die on our behalf.

It speaks of redemption, that we have been redeemed and are being made new. And finally it speaks of restoration, that one day, all things will be made new, and we will live eternally in the presence of God.

What a time that will be.

All of creation proclaims God’s truths to humanity, but God, Himself, also speaks to us, through His Word and in many other subtle ways throughout our life. Each and every time we come to Him, He honors us with His teachings. Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:29, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” All we must do is simply come to Him every moment of every day, as a child does to his parents, and we will be shown the way.

I have learned much from Jesus in my short time being a Christian. And I know I still have much to learn, but I want to pass along the truths that were given to me through my journey toward forgiveness.

Beginning today, I will be writing a series of smaller posts on each of the lessons I was taught (I apologize for the size of this one! I try to keep my blog posts short, as I know your time is limited, but sometimes the length just gets away from me!). I’d love for you to join me as I explore (and in some cases, relearn) some very important truths.

As a sneak peek into what’s to come, I’ve included a list of what will be covered below. It is my hope that the grace that was so mercifully given to me will be passes along to you…

So, here they are:

In order to follow Jesus, we must know Jesus.
God is bigger. God is bigger than your situation. God is bigger than the sins committed against you. God is bigger than your enemy. God is bigger than your sin. God is bigger than your resistance.
God is in control. We can trust Him.
When Jesus calls, follow.
Sometimes the things God calls us to won’t make sense, but we still must follow.
When we follow Jesus, He accomplishes the impossible.
There will be difficulties along our path, and these difficulties or roadblocks don’t necessarily mean we’re on the wrong path. Just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s not God’s will.
We can’t allow fear motivate our decisions.
We must be in complete reliance upon Jesus.
We need to wait for the Lord before we take action.
Jesus died for every sin including murder.
We cannot stand in judgement of the sins of others.
We are no better than a repentant murderer. Sin is sin.
No sin is justifiable, but all sin is forgivable.
We cannot compare ourselves to one another to accurately judge our sins or behavior.
Greater understanding brings greater healing.
Repentance is a process.
Though all sin is forgivable, consequences of sin remains.
We must all guard our hearts and assure we aren’t cultivating an environment for sin to grow in our souls.
Only God’s grace can allow us to forgive completely, unconditionally. We must seek Him.
Forgiveness requires us to humble ourselves. The proud never admit they may be wrong or their perspective may be askew. The humble seek to see as Jesus does even if that means they find fault in themselves.
Forgiveness requires a changed heart.
Healing a broken heart requires that we allow God to being us back to our most broken places, into the darkness of our soul in order to see, truly see our situation as God does.
Truth leads to transformation.
We truly are nothing apart from Christ.
We are blessed to be a blessing.
God works all things for good for those who know and live Him.
Maintaining a victim mentality only harms victims further. Forgiveness frees us from this destructive way of thinking.
The call to love our enemy isn’t a concept to be done theoretically, but is intended to be literal and requires action.
Harboring unforgiveness only embitters us and draws the very life from us.
The fruit of obedience is bountiful.
The written word is powerful.
Sometimes God speaks loudly, other times He simply whispers.
Going on a journey with Jesus is quite an adventure.
Jesus, truly, brings sight to the blind.
Jesus goes before us.
Forgiveness requires action.
The Christian life is not one marked by passivity, but instead, it requires that we step out in faith, empowered by the spirit, to do whatever it is that Jesus lays on our hearts.
God’s plan is far greater than ours.
No matter how hard it gets, if you know Jesus led you down this path, don’t give up!

{It is God’s truth that saves.}

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

New Beginnings

Posted on January 3, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

My family and I took quite a bit of time off this holiday season, and we sure made good use of our time together. Besides celebrating Christmas and bringing in the new year, we enjoyed time with friends and family, a day at the movies, skiing, sledding (perks of living twenty minutes from Tahoe), and just enjoyed each other’s company.

It’s been nice, but now, we’re back to it. And I’m ready to dive back into writing!

New Beginnings

As a new year begins, I think it’s an appropriate time to assess where we’ve been, where we currently find ourselves, and where we’re going. To see what worked, what didn’t, and to take a look at the reasons behind these successes and failures.

While it’s good to assess each aspect of your life, in a more holistic approach, I’d like to challenge you to take some time, look back over 2012, and deliberately assess your relationship with Jesus.

Though I’ve spouted off this truth many times, I know it to be true now more than ever: we can do nothing apart from Jesus. Our life, and everything we hope to achieve during it’s duration, amounts to nothing if Jesus is not at our center.

With this in mind, I’ve come up with several questions for you to answer, in hopes they will lead you into deeper relationship with Jesus in the year 2013. I hope you find them helpful.

Be sure to write your answers down!

Overall during 2012, did you grow closer to Jesus or further away? Why?
Did you see yourself grow in your faith? What “fruit” was produced as a result of your growth?
Did you notice a backslide in your faith? Why do you think that was? How has this setback affected you, your relationship with God, your life, your family, your friends, your community?
At any point last year, did you hear from God? Did He call you to do something? Did you do it? Why or why not?
In what areas have you struggled the most in 2012? How might you be able to see victory in these areas in 2013?
What are your top 10 evidences of God’s grace in your life in 2012?
What area of your life do you need to surrender to God in 2013? (Remember, He won’t settle for part of you; He wants all of you.)
What are your top 5 “successes” pertaining to your faith in 2012?
What are your top 5 “failures” pertaining to your faith in 2012?
If you were to choose one word to represent an area that you need to focus on in your life what would it be? Write this word down. Keep it somewhere you will see it as a reminder.
How might you be able to grow in your relationship with God this year? Pray for God to show you. Ask for at least 5 action steps. Put at least one in place today.

I pray your answers will allow you to gain insight into the areas you need God’s grace to touch. I pray each one of you grows deeper in love with our mighty God beginning today, and that this love will allow you to endure unto the end.

Here’s to new beginnings. May you be given many blessings––whether through hardship or joys––in the year to come….

Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.

- Isaiah 43:19

{We serve a God of new beginnings. Let your relationship with Jesus deepen in 2013.}

What are your hopes for 2013?

Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

The Battle We Wage

Posted on December 4, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

If you’re completely honest with yourself, there is tension between who you want to be and who you currently are. [Tweet that]

The whole world currently exists in the already but not yet.

Jesus already came. He died for our sins. He resurrected, conquering death, sin, and Satan. We have already been redeemed by our gracious, loving God. But we have yet to see Him make all things new, which He will do upon His second coming.

We have already been saved but not yet perfected. We are already saints by identity but not yet by deed.

This can be a frustrating place to be.

In Romans, Paul, himself, experienced this tension. He says:

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate….For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing…. For I delight in the law of God,in my inner being,but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretchedman that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? - Romans 7:15, 18-19, 22-24

It’s a battle each of us wage. The battle between our flesh and our new nature imparted to us by the blood of Jesus.

In my last post, I addressed the fact that we all are like the prostitute depicted in Luke 7 whether we recognize it or not. [Tweet that] Our sins are great. Not small. Our offense against our Creator loom large before us, whether we see them or not. But what amazes me (and should amaze you as well) is the fact that if we are covered by the blood of Jesus God doesn’t see our sins. He doesn’t see our record, but instead, He sees Jesus’, which is why we now have the right to come before the throne, dirty hands and all.

When Jesus died on that cross, He took every sin I have ever committed and every sin I will commit upon Himself, and in exchange, I was given Jesus’ righteousness. Despite my many, many, many shortcomings, despite my sin, despite my continual propensity to turn to other things before I turn to my God, I am loved and accepted right where I am. [Tweet that]

And you are too!

{You are loved and accepted by God right where you are.}

Do you believe this? Do you believe you are loved and accepted despite your many failings?

Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

The “Dad Bomb”

Posted on November 13, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

For almost a decade, revealing the story of my dad’s death to others proved to be difficult. In fact, after a number of years, I began calling it the “dad bomb.” I knew that if you stayed in my life long enough that the bomb would have to be dropped––at some point, I had to reveal the truth.

It usually came up when asked about my parents. My dad would come into question, and I’d have to tell them. “Well,” I would say reluctantly, knowing where this would lead, “my dad died when I was twenty.”

To which they would reply, “Oh, I’m so sorry!” Then the look on their face begged the question before it was asked. Some had enough nerve to ask the question right away. Others, however, waited, at times months, to get around to the inevitable question, but I knew it was coming, “So, how did he die?”

There it was. The dreaded question to which I had to respond with an honest answer. Frankly, part of my hesitation in answering this question had to do with the fact that my answer always put the other person in an intensely awkward position. No one knows how to respond when I say, “He was murdered.” There’s just no good way to say it.

And the response was always the same. It began with a startled look and usually a stuttered answer as they reel back from the weight of the information that had just hit them. “O, oh…that’s terrible! I’m so sorry!” And there it was. A bomb had just been unleashed. And in that moment, I felt bad for whoever was on the receiving side of this terrible news.

For a long time, this was where the story ended––with my dad’s murder. With tragedy. When asked about my dad, I would certainly recount many cherished memories, but when it came to speaking of his death, there wasn’t much more to say beyond the facts of the murder.

But now, there is so much more to the story. God has done a mighty work, and I no longer approach my dad’s death with trepidation, but instead, I feel compelled to share my story, for there is a newfound hope to be found in it. A hope that doesn’t end with what Jesus has done in my life, but continues to be transferred to others. A hope that conveys the ultimate truth that our God can do all things. A hope that allows us to see our God for who He is––a Redeemer, a Healer, a Comforter, a Guide. And it is this hope that tells us that the redemption Jesus displayed in my situation can extend to yours the moment you lay the circumstances of your life down before Him.

{Jesus takes our terrible tragedies and brings beauty out of our ashes.}

Do you have trouble revealing certain parts of your life to others?

Freedom Through Grace

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

“He’s doing it again,” I told my friend, Sarah, “listen to this!” I read the letter I received that afternoon from Anthony.

“Why won’t he simply say ‘I did it. It was my fault. Period.’” I said. “He’s still trying to justify his actions! He committed murder! He killed my dad! There’s no justification for that!”

After talking it though, I sat down and began to type my response, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I wanted to rebuke him. Set him straight. He claimed to be a Christian now. Why isn’t he repentant? Why does he keep blame shifting? I thought.

I wrote, words pouring forth like flood waters out of my heart, addressing each of the issues and backing them with scripture. Oh, this is good, I thought, but I knew.

This was not the response God wanted.

I prayed, as I awaited direction from Jesus. Days passed and turned to weeks, and finally, the answer came.

Grace.

It was true. Anthony was far from where I wanted him to be. But, it was at this moment I felt Jesus speak to my soul. Leave Anthony to me. Now forgive. And honestly, the crazy thing is that I was given the grace to forgive. In this moment. In the midst of my anger.

I sat down to revise my letter to Anthony, and at the end of it, I wrote,

…despite the fact that we will probably never see eye to eye in all areas, I do forgive you…. I hope this finds you well, and I pray that God heals you from your past as He is doing for me. I pray that you learn to live your life for God wherever He has you, and that you’re able to find peace in this life.

Forgiveness set me free. I was free of the anger, the bitterness, and the pain that held me captive for over a decade.

What’s more is that after I extended grace, I witnessed a transformation that was almost palpable in Anthony, as Jesus brought him to a place of repentance and healing.

I was called to forgive. To love my enemy. To give Jesus unhindered access to the pain and bitterness which took residence in the deepest recess of my soul. Out of this––following Jesus into my unknown, scary places––I witnessed the redemption and grace of our mighty God.

We serve an amazing God.

A God who gives us grace to do the impossible.

A God who redeems.

And I encourage you today to place Christ at the center of your most broken relationship and extend the grace that was freely given to you.

…while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8

{Forgiveness sets you free!}

Question: Have you ever experienced freedom through grace or forgiveness?

Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

Torn Down and Saved

Posted on August 14, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

Nine years after my dad’s death, Jesus brought me to my knees. You would think that the murder itself would have gotten me there, but no. I’m pretty stubborn. Yet, God’s mercy and grace is certainly bigger than me and my resistance.

During this time, Travis and I got married, and we had two beautiful, healthy little girls. I was truly blessed. Aside from the murder, I was living the life that I had always dreamed of. Travis and I were happy together, and we loved our girls. Yet, I was still without God.

Though I was never at the point that I was able to say with absolute certainty that God is not real, I highly doubted his existence. And so, I was the highest authority in my own life. I was the one in control. I was the one who defined what was right or wrong in the world, based upon my own “sovereign” moral compass. I was, in essence, my own god. The truth of God’s existence, in my mind, was ultimately unattainable. One could not possibly know of God’s existence nor could one accurately assess the divinity of this “Jesus” figure. There is no proof, I thought. Nothing to back it up. And I sure wasn’t going to be one of those “blind faith” suckers.

Enter God into the scene.

Little more than a year after having our second daughter, I began noticing problems with my health. I was nauseous, and I just didn’t feel quite right.

“I think I’m pregnant,” I told Travis.

“Really?”

“Yea, but the tests keep coming back negative. Do you think I should get a blood test?”

“I’m sure you’re not pregnant if the tests keep coming back negative, Laurie.”

“Well, but Kim had lot’s of negative tests when she was pregnant,” I said. The next week, I went to my doctor. I wasn’t pregnant. So, I went to see a GI doctor, who told me that the nausea was probably due to stress. He gave me medication, and I left.

Soon the nausea went away, but then came the headaches. Every day. Maybe something’s really wrong with me, I thought. And that was it. The thought was planted, and no matter how many times I tried to persuade myself that I was just fine, I couldn’t believe it.

Symptom after symptom began showing up. What’s going on with me! Little did I know at the time, I was experiencing anxiety, both mentally and physically, as a result of the stress I went through in my past. I had never experienced anxiety before, and it was scary. Negative thoughts infiltrated my mind. Honestly, I thought I was going crazy.

Soon, I became depressed, as hope escaped me. And I hated myself because of the depression. How can I not be satisfied with all that I have, when I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I am a horrible person, I thought.

I had always been able to work through all the other difficulties in my life, including my dad’s murder. But for the first time, I couldn’t get myself out of it. I tried everything that the world tells you to do in situations like this. I tried counseling. I tried exercising more and eating better. I tried meditation. I was even considering going to a Buddhist retreat, if you can imagine that! Nothing was helping. So as a last resort, I tried an anti-depressant medication, but it only worsened my depression. And I was taken off of it immediately.

I journaled, continually, trying to make sense of something. Anything. I wrote things like, “maybe I’m addicted to researching problems/being unhappy,” and “my main issue is control––control over my life in all aspects. I need to learn how to let go of control….” In one entry, I wrote,

I haven’t been happy. I’ve been scared. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m afraid I’m losing control over myself and my thoughts. Why? I’m afraid something physically is wrong with me. Part of me wants this to be the case because it would explain it all, but then that would mean I’m not physically healthy. What if that means I’ll die young. I’ll leave my family and everyone I love! Rationally, I know this is a leap, but I go there. Then I’ve randomly thought that it would be easier to die. Though, as soon as this thought enters my mind I immediately think of how ludicrous the thought is. I don’t want to die––it’s my greatest fear!

I was a wreck.

One night, I told Travis, “I’ve spent my entire life trying to achieve and set goals for myself, and I’ve hinged my happiness on the achievement of those goals only to continuously fall short of true happiness. It’s like there’s this this emptiness inside, but I don’t know how to make it go away!” I felt empty, defeated, depressed, and anxious. And I had no answers. It was a very dark and lonely place to be. Over and over I kept saying, I just want to feel peace. I just want peace. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t save myself.

And then I had a dream that I became blind and paralyzed. When I awoke from the dream, I was very disturbed. I didn’t know what it meant. But what’s interesting is that I was blind––blind to the truth. And I was paralyzed, for there was no way that I could have saved myself from the pit of darkness that I found myself in.

Soon after, I called my friend, Sarah, and asked her, “What church do you go to?”

“Oh, my church? It’s called Grace. Do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. Can you tell me about it?” The following Sunday, my family and I went to church for the first time in over a decade. I was terrified, but more than that, I was desperate. It was my desperation that brought me to those church doors. While I didn’t know it at the time, the decision to go to church one Sunday morning would be the defining moment of my life.

While sitting in my seat––my mind only semi-present due to the anxiety––something miraculous occurred. God showed up. During the sermon, it was as if I were having a one one one counseling session with God, himself. The preacher’s message spoke to where I was that exact moment. It was powerful. I thought to myself, the sheer probability of that alone is crazy! So, I went back the following Sunday and the one after that, each time expecting the God-thing to be a fluke. But time and time again Jesus showed himself. I was given the proof that I needed, and through the grace of God, I went from blindness to sight as my eyes were opened to see His love and grace.

Yet, I was still fighting. All along the way, I fought Jesus as I tried to apply reason to faith. But in the end, Jesus won––as He always does. He rocked my analytical world. Tore down my every argument. And turned my life upside-down.

Over time, the anxiety and depression subsided leaving in its place a newfound joy and the peace that I so desperately sought. My life was set on a new path––one that followed my God and Savior, Jesus Christ. And that void that led me down the dark alley of my soul was filled with the love of Christ.

I had been made new.

God is good! Even though this was one of the most difficult seasons of my life, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Being submerged in darkness allowed me to see the brilliance and beauty of our Savior and led me to where I needed to be most––wrapped in the loving arms of our Father.

{Our darkest hour can lead us to the most beautiful light.}

How has Jesus led you through your darkest hour?

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To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.