{Lessons Learned} Healing the Broken Places

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

I didn’t want to go digging around my past, but I knew I needed to. I knew some residual effects of my dad’s murder had to still be there. As I walked through some of the most difficult times in the weeks, months, and years following the murder, I remember thinking I sure hope this doesn’t screw me up.

My dad wasn’t married at the time of his death which meant that my brother, sister, and I were legally responsible for picking up the pieces when he died. Our extended family helped quite a bit––as much as they could, really, which I am so thankful for––but there was only so much they could do. My mom, however, was the backbone that held us all together, and I will forever be grateful to her for that. She played an integral part in the process of helping us wade through all the mess. (Thank you, Mom!)

Still, there were some things that my brother, sister, and I needed to take care of. No one could do it for us.

We were the ones who needed to put together the funeral arrangements.

We were the ones who needed to take possession of my dad’s house (which was where the murder took place) once the investigation finished.

We were, quite literally, the ones who cleaned up the mess that was left behind.

We navigated my dad’s estate through the legal process of probate, helped finish the construction of the home my dad was building for himself, got both homes ready to be sold, and sold them to their prospective buyers.

All the while, we were meeting with the District Attorney who was readying her case against Anthony and endured two and a half years of preliminary hearings leading up to the murder trial. Then, there was the trial itself, during which time my family and I sat for a week, day in and day out, listening to testimony after testimony, trying to avoid seeing pictures that might deepen the wounds, and hearing the defense attorney’s distortion of truth for the sake of winning his case.

This was also the time in my life that I was finishing up college, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married, and beginning my career as a teacher.

Truly, it was a crazy time in my life!

But after about three years, things seemed to settle down and come to a close. Justice was served and the estate was settled. And that was it. I feel like I was suddenly thrown into chaos, but at the end of three years, it all abruptly ended, and my life began to resemble a “normal” life once again.

I tried to put it all behind me. I tried to move on. Yet, no matter how hard I tried to rid myself of the pain, it still remained. It wasn’t until I met Jesus years later that I was led to rummage through all my junk and was finally able to allow Jesus to heal what had been broken.

But it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was one of the most painful, difficult seasons in my life. When we ask Jesus to heal us, we must understand that healing can be painful.

Healing a broken heart requires that we allow God to bring us back to our most broken places, to the darkness of our soul in order to see and understand our situation anew.

But it’s painful. It’s like opening an old wound, digging into it, removing the shrapnel that was embedded years before, and closing the wound properly for the first time.

Once we heal, the scars remain. But one thing I’ve learned is that it is God’s intention to take those scars, turn them into our strengths, and use them for our good and the good of others to His glory.

He is, after all, our Redeemer. What an amazing God we serve!

{Healing a broken heart requires that we allow God to bring us to our most broken places.}

Question: In what area do you need healing? Have you experienced healing? Was your healing painful? Share in the comments.

To read more about my process of healing, read {Lessons Learned} Healing Comes With Greater Understanding.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

{Forgiveness} Make No Mistake, Justice Will Be Served.

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

I’ve written about misconceptions about forgiveness before. But I believe one of the largest hindrances to forgiveness is a misconception that stems from childhood.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve negotiated peace between two children who are mad at one another. Regardless of what caused the issue, our peace talk usually goes something like this:

Me: “Tell her you’re sorry.”

Child (usually one of my daughters): “I’m sorry.”

The other child: “It’s okay.”

But it’s not okay. Many children are told by their parents (as I mistakenly did as a new parent) to respond to an apology by telling the other child that it’s okay.

But it’s not okay to bite one another. It’s not okay to hit one another. Simply put, it’s not okay to sin against one another. And when we tell children to say “it’s okay” in this context, we are not teaching them forgiveness, but instead, we are teaching them to accept the offenses that are committed against them.

I believe it is this teaching that makes us feel like forgiveness lets the offender off the hook. And it may be why many refuse to forgive.

When I was working toward forgiveness with Anthony, the man who murdered my dad, my sister (among many others) couldn’t understand what I was doing.

“It’s like you’re saying what he did is okay,” she kept saying.

“No,” I told her, “I’m not saying what Anthony did is okay. It will never be okay! What he did was beyond wrong, but ultimately, God tells us to forgive, so we must forgive.”

I went on to explain that God is the ultimate judge. We are not. [Tweet that] And when God asks us to forgive, He is asking us to release the offender over to Him that ultimate justice may be served. [Tweet that]

When we refuse to forgive, we are in our own small way taking justice into our own hands, enacting our own wrath and anger upon the offender. But we were never created to bear this heavy burden. After a while, this anger turns to bitterness which imprisons us and poisons our souls. But forgiveness releases us from this prison and frees us to live with peace.

Romans 12:19 says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’”

Rest assured, we serve a just God. And He will see to it that justice is done. [Tweet that]

One way or another, the sins committed against you (like the sins you commit) will be reconciled. Either your offender, lacking saving faith, will take the eternal punishment of sin upon himself, or if he is a follower of Christ, his sins were paid for on the cross.

Either way, justice will be served.

So, instead of intently holding onto your offenses, allow Jesus to take them, freeing you to live the life He died for you to have. Romans 12:21 tells us, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Stop allowing your lack of forgiveness overcome you.

Stop allowing your past to cast its shadow upon your present. [Tweet that]

Release your anger to God.

Forgive.

And know, without a doubt, that justice will be served.

{Justice will be served.}

Question: What’s stopping you from forgiving? How does this truth change the way you view forgiveness? Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

{Lessons Learned} Healing Comes With Greater Understanding

Posted on March 23, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

In this brief video, I speak about how Jesus led me toward emotional healing from my past. Healing only came once I surrendered myself completely to Jesus and allowed Him complete access to my pain. Be sure to watch to hear about how Jesus brought me greater understanding which led to healing.

Healing Comes With Greater Understanding from Laurie Coombs on Vimeo.

{Greater understanding of the situations in our past can lead us toward healing.}

Question: Has Jesus healed you emotionally from your past? What was your experience? Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

{Guest Blog} I Forgive You – Written by: Anthony, my dad’s murderer

Posted on February 28, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

The latest letter arrived from prison a couple days ago. Anthony, the man who murdered my dad, said, “I sent you something I wrote, I feel God has placed this on my heart. I hope it’s something you’d consider putting on your blog.”

And to that, I say, “absolutely.” God has allowed both Anthony and I the opportunity to share this story with many. I believe it’s a story that needs to be heard, for there are many who remain chained to their past, to their resentment, their bitterness, and their lack of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a topic that will always resound in each of our hearts, mine included. It is so easy to hold on to our wounds, but what relief it is to finally let them go. [Tweet that]

So, without further adieu. Here’s a word from Anthony.

I Forgive You, By: Anthony

“I forgive you.” I read the words again. “I forgive you.” These weren’t just lightly said words from someone I had hurt with some casual remark. These words had come from the daughter of the man I had shot and killed eleven years earlier. [Tweet that]

Suddenly, the enormity of what I had done punched me right in the gut. Tears came, guilt threatened to overwhelm me. What had I done? How could I have done it? I asked God these same questions: how, why? He had always responded the same way Laurie did, “I forgive you.”

I had taken that forgiveness for granted, I mean I knew His word in 1 John 1:9 said if we confess our sins, God is faithful to forgive us, but the cost of that forgiveness began to sink in.

And how did that explain Laurie forgiving me?

Yes, God’s word also tells us in Matthew 6:14 that we are to forgive as we have been forgiven but how many of us actually do it or receive it? Especially from someone we had hurt so deeply. This is why Christ hung on that cross: forgiveness. Not cheap forgiveness in the form of words we throw around hoping to make everything better. But sacrificial, pain-filled forgiveness. Forgiveness the world can’t understand, even us sometimes.

I knew Laurie had not said these words lightly, that it was one of the hardest things she’d done. But I also knew that her relationship with Jesus would not allow her any other way, “I forgive you.”

How many of us have that kind of relationship with God? My guilty feelings weren’t only about what I’d done, but the realization that I didn’t have this kind of relationship with my Lord and Savior.

How many times had I judged another inmate because of his crime? Unforgiveness.

How many times had I angrily thought about the past? Unforgiveness.

So, when Laurie forgave me it set in motion in my life a new attitude. I wanted to know Jesus! I wanted the kind of relationship with Him that allowed me to forgive, to love, and to seek the fallen.

When you destroy someone made in God’s image, how can you make up for that? You can’t. But Jesus did, He died so that we can be forgiven. Because He did this for us, our relationship with Him must be sacrificial too. We have to forgive. How can we do anything less?

Die to self. We have to forgive even when it’s the most counterintuitive, painful, gut-wrenching thing we’ll ever do. [Tweet that] Because after that, love flows in and it fills up the space that the anger and the hate and the bitterness took up. And it just may save someone else!

Let His light shine in you. Unforgiveness dims that light. It starts with forgiveness.

Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sins are put out of sight. Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of sin. – Romans 4:7-8

{It starts with forgiveness.}

Have you experienced forgiveness like this? Or in what area do you need to experience forgiveness?

Join the discussion. Leave a comment.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

{Lessons Learned} Jesus Accomplishes the Impossible

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Laurie Coombs

But he said, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” – Luke 18:27

When we follow Jesus, He accomplishes the impossible. [Tweet that]

Lord, I pray for Anthony. Help him. Have your will be done in his life, and please, Lord, if he is truly a Christian let him be used by you in prison to turn lives around for your glory. Let him gather your people to you in prison! Lord, help him truly submit to you and your will and help him to be a true strong believer who turns from evil to your light.

- My prayer journal, May 2010

I prayed this prayer often as I began correspondence with Anthony, the man who murdered my dad. I prayed for Anthony to come to true repentance. For him to be brought to his knees and to transform him into a strong man of God who gained influence within his prison walls for Christ.

I knew Jesus could do it, but I have to be honest, I didn’t anticipate the power these prayers would have on both my destiny and that of Anthony’s. (If you have yet to read about what God did through our correspondence, read here or here, among many other posts.)

Jesus does the impossible in our lives.

You may find yourself to be surrounded by one of life’s storms right now.

Maybe you are late on your mortgage, and you don’t know where you’ll come up with your next payment.

Maybe you were laid off, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t find another job.

Maybe your marriage is in shambles, on the verge of divorce, and you don’t know how to get back to that place you once were.

Maybe you’re struggling with addiction or another stronghold, and you can’t seem to escape from the shackles that weigh so heavy upon your soul.

Maybe you’ve experienced loss––a loss that threatens to crush your soul––and you cannot imagine ever feeling whole again.

Maybe you have lost hope and find yourself to be in the dark place of depression, and you don’t know how to climb out of the pit, back to where the sun will shine upon your soul once again.

Maybe you’ve received a bad report from your doctor, and you are in a place of utter despair, anxious about the uncertainty of your future.

Whatever your situation may be, know this:

Jesus is your answer. He’s calling to you, beckoning your soul to draw near. He tells us, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). As Luke 18:26 states, all things are possible with God. So no matter how bleek your situation my seem, know that we serve the God of impossibilities.

(For those of you who find yourselves to be in a relatively calm season of life, be sure to store this truth. The storms of life are sure to come. Ready yourself with truth.)

{Jesus accomplishes the impossible.}

Have you experienced Jesus accomplish the impossible in your life?

Join the discussion! Leave a comment.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

Will You Press Through to Get Into the Presence of God?

Posted on December 20, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

There is an account found in three out of the four gospels. It is the story of a woman who endured a discharge of blood for twelve years. One thing we must understand is that a condition such as this rendered the woman “unclean.” She would have been a lonely woman, devoid of touch or much companionship at all.

Come with me for a moment and imagine….

You are this woman.

You cannot touch others, and others cannot touch you. You’re outcasted. Desperate, you spend all your financial resources going to doctors. One after another. But they’re no help. Instead of seeing improvement, you only worsen.

Can you relate to this woman in any way?

Quite possibly, in some area of your life, you need help. You seek help––help that promises a solution to your problem––only to find yourself right where you began, or perhaps even behind a step or two.

Another solution is presented to you.

You find enough hope to take that step. You join another program or see another doctor which will hopefully lead you toward health, wholeness, satisfaction (whatever it is for you). But a few months later, you’re, once again, right where you began.

But then there’s news of this guy. He sounds pretty awesome. Perhaps He can help me, you think. There’s talk around your village that He’s passing through.

If only, you think.

If only you could see Him. Touch Him.

No. Your hope is greater than that.

This guy, some say, is the One. If only you could touch the edge of His garment. Then. Perhaps then, you would be healed. You would be free of this burden weighing heavy upon your shoulders.

You go out and see Him pass by.

Hope fills your heart like never before, and you know. All you need is Him.

But there’s a crowd. A large one, pressing in all around. How will you ever manage to get through?

You’ll have to press in all the more.

But along the way, you touch others––making them unclean––as you strive to reach your goal. And then, you’re there.

You see Him.

Reach out.

And touch the edge, just the edge, of His garment.

In an instant, you know. You’ve been healed. You feel it, and you’re filled with joy and relief.

But then, the Man turns around. “Who was it that touched me?” the man asks.

“It wasn’t me,” you join the crowd in saying.

“Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you.” A men explains.

“Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me.”

Knowing you won’t be hidden for long, you come forward. Trembling and falling down before Him, you explain your condition and tell of your healing. You’re afraid, for you have just done what ought not to be done. You touched others. But ultimately, you touched Him.

You look up, anticipating rebuke, but are met with compassion instead. ”Your faith has made you well; go in peace,” He says.

…

Oftentimes, we fail to see Jesus as the answer. But ultimately, it’s not what He can do for us that we need most. We seek Him for our needs, and He invites us to do so, but ultimately we are most in need of His presence. We need Him. It was His presence that made this woman well.

Coming to Jesus doesn’t mean He will heal all our diseases. It doesn’t mean our lives will become easy. Sometimes, by His providence, He allows certain conditions to remain. But coming to Jesus––into His presence––daily does mean we will be right where we ought to be. And from this place, all other things fall into place.

When coming to Jesus, you must be aware, however, that there will be hinderances, but my question to you today is this: Will you press through to get into the presence of God?

If you do, you will find yourself right where you ought to be.

{Press through. Jesus is your only hope. Your only salvation.}

What’s hindering you from coming into the presence of God today? Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

{Redemption} “Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life!”

Posted on November 8, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

“Your testimony may have saved a life!” wrote Anthony––the man who murdered my dad––from his prison cell. Holding the letter, I stood in stunned silence, tears rolling down my face.

Oh Lord, I thought, as I closed my eyes and dropped my head back, in awe. There really were no words. Thank you, Lord, thank you, was all that I could say in worship to our mighty God.

I was called to forgive. To love my enemy. To allow Jesus unhindered access to the pain, the bitterness, and the wounds of my past which took residence in the deepest recess of my soul.

I knew that He wanted to take me to a new, better place. A place of healing, peace, and forgiveness. So, I followed. By the grace of God alone, I followed Jesus as He led me down the messy, war-torn path toward wholeness. It was a trial like no other, yet upon reading this letter, it was all worth it, as I witnessed the fruit of following Jesus.

Anthony wrote:

I read your testimony at our church service yesterday and today, I told them what an amazing God we serve that could bring two people at opposite ends of the spectrum together in forgiveness. That this story has particular meaning to me cuz I’m who it was written about, I’m the one who killed her dad. I then I said not only had you forgiven me but you’d encouraged me. Then I read the last paragraph of your last letter! I told them nothing is unforgivable, Christ was crucified for every sin. I told them to place God in the center of their most broken relationship and pray. They may not find that kind of forgiveness but they would find forgiveness in them and then they’d know the peace that surpasses all understanding.

There were men crying, one guy stood up and said he’d lost his wife to another man (I didn’t tell them why I had done what I’d done). He said for the last few months he had decided when he got out he was going to kill the man. Now He’d decided to pray and forgive. Your testimony may have saved a life! How awesome is our God! God has used you and me and this horrible crime to heal, not only us, but others. Now your forgiveness has truly settled into my heart. I won’t let your dad’s life nor mine be in vain, I promise. Thank you for making it possible to share this amazing testimony. I believe God is not finished with either of us, tomorrow is a good day.

This is something only Jesus can do. No human could have even begun to orchiestrate what He has done through my journey to forgiveness.

Anthony, who was once sorrowful, but not repentant, came to repent before the Lord and went on to live to the glory of God within the confines of his prison. In fact, I received a letter from him a couple weeks ago telling me about a revival service that he helped with where over 20 inmates came forward to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior during the alter call (which was more than they’ve ever seen).

And I, who was once burdened by the anger and bitterness that weigh many victims down, was freed from the prison of anger/bitterness and was set on a new path proclaiming the glory of our Lord, and what He can do through our obedience to His call.

This is what God does. He takes our messes and brings redemption and beauty.

And my question to you today is this: How might Jesus want to use your testimony to the benefit of others?

We each have a story to tell. Each Christ follower has experienced God’s redemption, and for those who have yet to come to faith in Jesus, the moment you submit your life to Christ, you will experience it.

So, what’s holding you back from sharing your testimony?

{When you are transparent, God uses your testimony!}

Questions: What’s your story of redemption? What areas in your life would you like to see Jesus redeem? A broken relationship? A sin pattern that you just can’t seem to kick? Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

Freedom Through Grace

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

“He’s doing it again,” I told my friend, Sarah, “listen to this!” I read the letter I received that afternoon from Anthony.

“Why won’t he simply say ‘I did it. It was my fault. Period.’” I said. “He’s still trying to justify his actions! He committed murder! He killed my dad! There’s no justification for that!”

After talking it though, I sat down and began to type my response, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I wanted to rebuke him. Set him straight. He claimed to be a Christian now. Why isn’t he repentant? Why does he keep blame shifting? I thought.

I wrote, words pouring forth like flood waters out of my heart, addressing each of the issues and backing them with scripture. Oh, this is good, I thought, but I knew.

This was not the response God wanted.

I prayed, as I awaited direction from Jesus. Days passed and turned to weeks, and finally, the answer came.

Grace.

It was true. Anthony was far from where I wanted him to be. But, it was at this moment I felt Jesus speak to my soul. Leave Anthony to me. Now forgive. And honestly, the crazy thing is that I was given the grace to forgive. In this moment. In the midst of my anger.

I sat down to revise my letter to Anthony, and at the end of it, I wrote,

…despite the fact that we will probably never see eye to eye in all areas, I do forgive you…. I hope this finds you well, and I pray that God heals you from your past as He is doing for me. I pray that you learn to live your life for God wherever He has you, and that you’re able to find peace in this life.

Forgiveness set me free. I was free of the anger, the bitterness, and the pain that held me captive for over a decade.

What’s more is that after I extended grace, I witnessed a transformation that was almost palpable in Anthony, as Jesus brought him to a place of repentance and healing.

I was called to forgive. To love my enemy. To give Jesus unhindered access to the pain and bitterness which took residence in the deepest recess of my soul. Out of this––following Jesus into my unknown, scary places––I witnessed the redemption and grace of our mighty God.

We serve an amazing God.

A God who gives us grace to do the impossible.

A God who redeems.

And I encourage you today to place Christ at the center of your most broken relationship and extend the grace that was freely given to you.

…while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8

{Forgiveness sets you free!}

Question: Have you ever experienced freedom through grace or forgiveness?

Share in the comments.

To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.

{Love Your Enemy} The Letter

Posted on September 14, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

It was May 18, 2010––close to 10 years after my dad was murdered––when my husband, Travis, came home from work with a letter in his hand. “You’ve got a letter,” he said.

“Thanks,” I said smiling as he handed it to me. I looked down to see a bold stamp on the backside of the envelope reading, “NORTHERN NEVADA CORRECTIONAL CENTER.”

Looking up at Travis, I spoke in a faint whisper, “I gotta…I gotta go. Take care of the girls.” I ran upstairs and into my bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I didn’t want my girls to see me like this. I heard my daughter ask, “What’s Mommy doing?”

“She just needs to take care of something,” Travis said, “Wanna help me with dinner?”

“Yea!” she said with glee.

I sat there, on my bed, for what seemed like hours simply holding the letter, tears pouring forth, willing myself to open it. Finally, the grace was given. I opened the letter and read.

Dear Laurie,

If you feel led to visit me I’m OK with that. If the prison has a special format for a one time visit, I’ll sign the form. If not, and you have to get on a visitors list, let me know and I’ll submit the paperwork. Please know that no matter what happens I am truly sorry for what I did, most especially to your family. I wish I could take back that day, every day. Again, Let me know what needs to be done and I’ll do it.

Sincerely

Anthony

I sat there on my bed, reading these lines once, twice, perhaps more––it’s hard to recall.

There I was, holding a letter from him––the man who murdered my dad. I was holding paper that he touched. I was seeing his handwriting. These were his thoughts written on the paper that I held. The same hand that pulled the trigger that killed my dad wielded the pen that wrote this letter. The thought made my stomach turn.

I knew Jesus was calling me to love my enemy. But this is not what I signed up for. This is not how I thought it would go. This was not my plan. I didn’t want this letter.

It brought me back to the darkest chapter of my life, and I really didn’t want to go there. Yet, I knew I needed to. I knew Jesus was leading me toward forgiveness and healing. So, I would follow––by the grace of God––no matter the cost.

After my emotions began to settle, I wrote in my prayer journal and said,

Thank you, my Lord, my God, for this trial – thank you for pointing me toward forgiveness – I know that this is from You – I know that it is Your will for me to forgive and to go through the process of forgiveness – help me through it. Lead me through it – let me follow You and Your will completely….

Help me to let go of my anger and bitterness. Heal me my Lord! Help me to find strength in You and to do this while holding Your mighty hand – Help me to have and act on great faith – to take that step out on the water with You in complete trust that it will be OK and that You will take care of me as Peter did! I know it is Your will for good to happen in my life…

Help me to love my enemy – show me what to do – do it through me! Please Lord help me to walk by Your Spirit and let You work in me and through me! …

Bring Your light into my heart and let Your light banish all darkness from my soul! …I choose you! …I choose to forgive completely. I choose to love others including my enemies! Help me to be Christ centered – other centered – at all times…. Thank you, my Lord!

In Jesus name,

Amen

The Lord is good. And He saw me through.

Being on the other side of this trial and many others, I know all too well that the things we’re called to are never easy. Jesus himself said, “the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life” (Matthew 7:14), yet it is when we follow, knowing that difficulties will come, that we truly see and experience life.

I pray that each of us, myself included, continues to stay close enough to our Guide as He leads us along this crazy thing called life.

{It is God’s plan that is the best plan. Follow Him.}

Has God’s plan ever taken you by surprise?

{Forgiveness} But I’ve Already Done That!

Posted on August 21, 2012 by Laurie Coombs

About a year after becoming a follower of Christ, I began to hear God’s gentle whisper––it’s time to forgive.

Forgive? I thought. But I’ve already done that! I rarely thought about Anthony, the man who murdered my dad. And when he did enter my mind, I didn’t feel hatred or anything like that. Yet, God slowly showed me that, while I had forgiven Anthony as far as I was capable, I needed His grace to do it completely and unconditionally.

…

Oftentimes, we fool ourselves into thinking we have no need to forgive as we unknowingly drown in a sea of bitterness. [Tweet that] You see, I thought I was a forgiving person. I thought I had forgiven Anthony. To be honest, I didn’t think I had issues with anyone in my life. And I sure didn’t think I was bitter!

But soon, God began to show me that I was constantly irritable, and I was quick to anger. One of my girls would do something, and I’d completely overreact and yell at them, which was followed by an apology, telling them, “Mommy is so sorry. It was not okay for me to yell at you like that,” as they stared back at me in bewilderment.

I didn’t realize it for a long time, but I was angry. It was an anger that was deep seeded and had turned into bitterness. I never thought I’d be a bitter person, but carrying the burden of my dad’s murder for close to ten years certainly allowed the root bitterness to burrow deep into my heart. I’m ashamed to admit this, but it was my family who took the brunt of my anger, and it broke my heart to see this ugly side of myself and the effect it had on those I loved most.

When my true nature was revealed, I knew I needed healing, but I also knew I wouldn’t be able to will myself into this place of healing. I had tried to do just that for close to a decade at that point with little success. Yes, I needed true healing––but not the kind the world can offer. I didn’t need to take an anger management class; I didn’t need additional counseling (though those are valuable options for some). But, instead, I needed Jesus and the healing only He can give.

I began praying. In my prayer journal, I wrote,

…Heal me completely, Lord! Help me to heal emotionally––I give my anger and bitterness to you, Lord. Resolve them! Soften my heart. Tear down my walls! Break through to me and save me. Take away the burden of being the “girl whose dad was murdered.” Take away my grief, my fear, my anxiety, my distrust, my bitterness, my anger and replace it all with trust in you and knowledge of who I am in you… Heal me, Lord! I give myself to you completely to do as you will––tell me what to do and I’ll do it! I am yours to do with as you will….

This is where my journey began–-with prayer. But not just any prayer, but a gutwrenching, cry-your-eyes-out-while-lying-face-down-in-your-closet kind of prayer. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. My husband and my girls deserved better. So, I prayed and prayed some more. Soon, Jesus answered and said, follow me. And so I did…

{Pray and ask Jesus to reveal any anger or bitterness that may be in your heart!}

Have you ever found yourself to be irritable or quick to anger?

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To read more about my journey toward forgiveness, read Freedom Through Grace or {Redemption} Your Testimony May Have Saved a Life.