Failing Faith and Lost Hope

Posted on: August 9th, 2013 by Laurie Coombs 8 Comments

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After a long, exhausting weekend, I decided to turn in early. Yet as my head hit the pillow, thoughts began to running away from me. After hearing some news about our adoption––news that most likely won’t negatively impact our adoption at all––I began to think.

And what you must understand about me is that I’ve always been a “thinker.” I analyze and reason through everything. This can be a good thing. But sometimes, I have a tendency to think too much, which can lead me down some pretty dark alleys.

And that’s precisely what happened this night.

An hour passed, full of thought and cries out to God, when I realized I needed help. I needed wisdom. And I needed someone else to pray alongside me for clarity about our adoption. So, I texted my girlfriend and said,

Ok. I need some help. Feeling super discouraged about our adoption. Maybe it’s not even God’s will. Maybe He just led us down this crazy rabbit trail to teach us something and never intended to give us our babies. Maybe it’s all just a bunch of bs. Who knows. But I need clarity. Will you pray?

A moment later, I continued my rant.

I feel like there are two promises God has spoken over me.
1. the adoption
2. physical healing
Yet neither one have come to pass. Yet for YEARS I have held onto faith and hope only to come to this point where I am now. Perhaps I’ve gotten it all wrong all along.

I was clearly not seeing as I ought.

Picking up a little notebook I use to record evidences of God’s grace in my life, I began to read. Praises to God filled the pages, yet I was no where remotely close to that place now. Instead of seeing God’s grace for what it really is––in all it’s beauty and wonder––I now begin to see where God wasn’t measuring up to my expectations. In a fit of anger, I threw that little book cross my bedroom with a huff, laid my head down, and cried like I haven’t done in a long time.

I wasn’t just a bit discouraged. I was losing all hope in our adoption. My heart sank at the thought.

We’ve been waiting for our babies for three years. Three. Years. And within those three years, my husband and I have certainly had our ups and downs. There have been moments of great faith and moments of doubt. Yet, with each moment of doubt, I still held onto hope through the faith I was given. This time, however, my faith seemed to be challenged and was fading.

I know God to be a good God. I know, from experience, that His plan is always the best plan. But what if His plan doesn’t include these babies I already love? A mother’s heart is for her children, and even though these children are not yet home, they are mine, and they are loved.

And so, I prayed and prayed some more, asking Jesus for clarity. Are we even on the right path? Is it Your will? I prayed. Show me, Jesus. Please show me.

God is always speaking, so with an expectant heart, I tried my best to listen.

His answer?

Be content with where you are right here right now.

Love those you have right in front of you.

Be content in your wait.

Your babies will come.

I think of Abraham and Sarah, promised a child yet not seeing that promise come to fruition for 25 years. It makes our three years pale in comparison. Yet, these two were not above questioning God about His promise.

I know I could have handled my doubts with a bit more grace and a bit more dignity––I, certainly, had a lot of repenting to do––but isn’t this what real faith looks like?

Real faith wrestles with God.

Real faith has room for our emotions and our doubts.

When we look through the Bible we see real men and real women dealing with real life, wrestling through what all that looks like with a God who knows, a God who cares, and a God who’s big enough to handle our struggles.

And so, we continue to wait.

What promise are you waiting for? Any advice to those of us waiting? Share in the comments.

  • I certainly know how you might be feeling. Sometimes when things aren’t working out as we thought they would, we can be tempted to doubt. But know this: God is there with you, right here, in this moment. He knows your situation. He knows your needs. And He will provide for you and guide you into your next venture. It’s most likely not going to go as you thought it would (it rarely seems to), but God’s plan is far richer than anything you or I can conceive. Rest in knowing you serve a God who does the impossible, who works all things for your good and His glory! And I’ll be praying!!

  • abbysmom1

    I am having a major faith battle with God right now.  I recently resigned a very good-paying, yet horribly stressful job.  I guess I expected God to just up and find me the same kind of job immediately (it’s just past 3 weeks) – He has never let me down in the past, but this is a major problem and one of my own doing – I did not have to resign, but mentally, I did feel that I had to.  I don’t like the way I am feeling 🙁

  • LindseyBell

    Thank you for this. After 4 miscarriages and years of longing for a baby girl, I needed to read this quote: “Love those you have right in front of you.”

    • Oh my goodness, Lindsey, I am so sorry for all you’re going through! I sincerely hope and pray God will give you your little girl. And I’ll join you in prayer for God’s will this area of your life.

      • LindseyBell

        Thanks, Laurie. The prayers are very much appreciated:)

  • Mark Allman

    We are waiting for God to see our oldest daughter through her struggles; her desire to find love after so many strike outs. Waiting is acted out faith. It can be damn tough. Sometimes waiting redefines what we were longing for; sometimes not. I believe in waiting there is growth and preparation and maybe not just for us but for who or what we wait on. Waiting and trusting while you wait can be so very hard; you want answers and don’t get them. When you concentrate on the fact that you love someone and know they love you then you can move away from having to know and you lean into trust more. You realize you don’t have to know; that waiting will be rewarded by the depth of that love.

    • Thank you, Mark, for all your wisdom. You’re absolutely right. I don’t need to know what God’s up to. I simply need to trust. And after my little “melt down,” I was given peace one again. Praise Jesus 🙂

      • Mark Allman

        Even knowing that we don’t have to know sometimes does not take away the deep desire to know and the desire for our waiting to end or to produce fruit. I guess we have to lean more into what we know(God loves us) than into what we don’t know but want to.